I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
