I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
