i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
