I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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