I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
