you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
