It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
