You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
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