I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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