I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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