i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
