You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
