Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
