another moral hangover. fuck.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
