and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
