For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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