you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
