i want to swaddle you in tequila
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
