I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
