Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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