so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize