Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
