The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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