i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
