dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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