I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
