any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
