P.S. I can't hear my feet
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
