my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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