how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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