There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
