I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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