I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
