It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
