I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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