OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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