My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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