Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
