Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
