I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize