1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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