we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
