all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
