I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
