Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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