Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Less talking, more tequila
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
