when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
