One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize