I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
