I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
