I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
