Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
