Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
