Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
