i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
