He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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