if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
