youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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