I bet he comes in French.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
