he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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