he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
