I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
